Let it go, let it go…can’t hold it back anymore! Okay seriously that song is on repeat at my house and we’ve got BOYS. They are obsessed. But it’s fitting…let it go. I’ve thought about this blog topic for quite some time and I’m not sure it’s even appropriate to post. Because this is both my professional + personal blog, I’m going for it. All the lines were blurred a long, long time ago anyway. My life gets mixed in with photography and my clients become my friends…plus I feel close to many of you that have followed my story. Which is probably pretty boring in all actuality! So. Here it goes. Letting it go…
Life has been hard lately. Not peachy or perfect or even just fine…it’s been filled with mini meltdowns, from both the kids AND me. The kicker? There is no reason that my ‘life’ should feel anything but fabulous. If anyone were to itemize what makes up my world it would all add up to one word. Happy. That must be why it’s so difficult to talk about or admit. I have NO right to gripe because many many mommies + business owners + women in general are struggling with some serious issues right now. Pregnancy struggles, health conditions, extended family matters, relationship problems…the works. It somehow feels really wrong and invalid to share, but I’ve always loved the phrase ‘it’s all relative’ and I’m going to pull that card right now. At times I think it’s this time of year or the fact that my bitty baby just turned 5 and I turned (gasp!!) 35. But whatever is behind this funk, it’s not cool. Maybe it’s hormones or maybe my head is just going to explode from feeling so overwhelmed. There are changes that need to be made – taking care of myself, getting more organized, etc…but it feels virtually impossible. After talking with dear friends, it’s really clear that I am in no way alone. Looking at this objectively…I’m probably floating between anxiety, sleep deprivation, and going through a phase. Whatever the combination I do know my kiddos deserve way better than this cranky mama I’ve become. I’ve never been shy about the fact that I love + adore my husband, kids, parents, other family + friends. They are the reason I’ve never crumbled into little pieces.
I find that I’m just getting by most days…doing what has to be done, whether that’s dressing my kids + getting them to preschool or meeting sweet families at a session + staying up to edit…but really I’d just like to sleep for a super long time! I’m not meeting my full potential as a mom, friend or photographer. I’ve lost my sense of humor…which just plain hurts. That has always been my way of dealing with difficult situations or my kids’ tantrums. Sure, you probably wouldn’t know there was anything wrong if we chatted face to face and if you see me tomorrow, I promise not to break down or cry on your shoulder! So there it is…scary as it is to admit. Publically I have always been protective of my feelings and in the past I’ve definitely censored my thoughts on the issue. Maybe it’s the milestone birthday, but I’m realizing that it’s so not helpful to anyone to only share the joy…real life, however messy, should be out there too.
I’ve been extremely blessed to hear from both new + established photographers almost daily asking about mentoring, workshops or my newborn approach. Thank you if that’s you and I’m also truly sorry. I don’t know how to answer your questions on when my teaching materials will be ready. If you’ve heard a response that says ‘soon, one day!’ or if I haven’t even gotten back to you yet…please be patient with me. To be completely honest, I don’t know the ‘when’ or how to make it work without pulling extra time away from my family. For now, that has to be good enough. It’s just me over here – the shooting, editing, emailing, designing, ordering, mailing, book-keeping lady. Am I alone? Am I complaining? NO!!! Just explaining. There are so many of you out there in exactly the same position…probably dealing with a million other stresses. I’ve worked really hard to build my business and am so proud to work with truly amazing families…in no way am I trying to take away from those successes. And again…therein lies my internal struggle. I’m very lucky to live this life – it seems such a shame to be sad + frustrated. I don’t want to pull away from those I love or snap at my kids for making the biggest mess imaginable (seriously with the glitter glue!!) What I do want is to laugh with my babies, feel happy over small accomplishments, let the little things slip away, make more time for loved ones, streamline my workflow, give to others whole-heartedly and live life in the present. I wish all of those things for you too. and now. I’ve let it go. let it out there for everyone to read and although it’s rather embarrassing to admit things are not amazing right now, I’m good with that. Great, actually. I am not perfect. And that’s okay.
How about some pictures to lighten the mood! Andrew is five. I’m an old lady. Ty decided that undies are pretty cool exactly one week before his 3rd birthday and sweet Sam is 10½ months…and for sure my happy place. When all that stuff up there rains on my parade, I just snuggle, tickle, hug + stare at him. For now, he’s my therapy and my calm.
At the risk of sounding dramatic, I haven’t known where or how to start blogging again. There are so many sessions to choose from and I find myself obsessing + second-guessing my work or excessively worrying if my images are even good enough (wow, my true colors are really showing today…) BUT I’ve got a post cued up and ready to go of a gorgeous new baby. Hopefully you haven’t been put off by my babble. I’ll cut it out and get back to what this blog is (mostly) all about. The pictures.